From the time I was very young I thought my intellect could save me. If I could “just figure it out” my world would be safer, more predictable, less chaotic, more hopeful, less full of worry. If I could just figure out that math word problem, that race riot in our neighbouring city of Detroit, that chaos at home—all would be well again. If I could just figure it out, I would know what God truly wanted of this good little Catholic girl…and her very big longing.

While retreating at Shantivanam ashram in India (1991) I met the great Camaldolese monk Bede Griffiths. His ashram had become a destination for many seeking an Indian mystical experience within a Christian context. Unexpectedly one afternoon Dr. Jean Houston, a vital change agent in the human potential movement, arrived by bus with a number of other ‘pilgrims,’ or perhaps tourists, I wasn’t sure. Word quickly spread that Dr. Houston and Fr. Griffiths were going to have a public conversation, “fish-bowl” style. Anyone interested was welcome to gather in the meditation chapel at 2:00 p.m. to listen in.

Intrigued, I made my way to the chapel. Here were these two towering intellects soulfully discussing the origins of life in a sort of ‘what-does-it-all-mean’ fashion. I listened intently as my comprehension faded in and out amidst a growing sense of inner static.

When the dialogue ended I felt the need for a long walk. I was emotionally wrought. I was angry, for sure, a bit envious, definitely, but underneath lurked the familiar fear: I would never be smart enough to figure it all out. I started to weep the pain of years. The threat was palpable: if I couldn’t figure it out, pain would surely follow.

As I walked, the tears slowly announced an inner shift; a softer, more resonant voice emerged with a different message:

“Isn’t it amazing how the universe has awakened as these two towering intellects, and as you too?”

Surprisingly, a warm reassuring feeling began to fill my chest; a gratitude began to dawn for these human beings and their insightful minds! Perhaps we were all one human reality; they were me and I was them? No need for envy, competition or fear. No need to figure it out. It is all one; there is no lack in the whole, no separation. Slowly, over years, this grace continues to reveal its wisdom.

At present I am reading the latest book by another ‘towering intellect,’ cosmologist Brian Swimme. I recall sitting in his presence once too, but with much less angst and far more wonder and gratitude. He recalls his mentor, Fr. Thomas Berry, saying to him:

“Each era of the universe is unique, never to be repeated. It’s as if at dawn a deep and resonant voice calls forth to every entity in existence, ‘Become your unique self. The universe advances only if you blossom forth as you. […] When we live a life that expresses our unique being, we align ourselves with the universe.’”¹

May it be so!