From the time I was very young I thought my intellect could save me. If I could “just figure it out” my world would be safer, more predictable, less chaotic, more hopeful, less full of worry. If I could just figure out that math word problem, that race riot in our neighbouring city of Detroit, that chaos at home—all would be well again. If I could just figure it out, I would know what God truly wanted of this good little Catholic girl…and her very big longing.
While retreating at Shantivanam ashram in India (1991) I met the great Camaldolese monk Bede Griffiths. His ashram had become a destination for many seeking an Indian mystical experience within a Christian context. Unexpectedly one afternoon Dr. Jean Houston, a vital change agent in the human potential movement, arrived by bus with a number of other ‘pilgrims,’ or perhaps tourists, I wasn’t sure. Word quickly spread that Dr. Houston and Fr. Griffiths were going to have a public conversation, “fish-bowl” style. Anyone interested was welcome to gather in the meditation chapel at 2:00 p.m. to listen in.
Intrigued, I made my way to the chapel. Here were these two towering intellects soulfully discussing the origins of life in a sort of ‘what-does-it-all-mean’ fashion. I listened intently as my comprehension faded in and out amidst a growing sense of inner static.
When the dialogue ended I felt the need for a long walk. I was emotionally wrought. I was angry, for sure, a bit envious, definitely, but underneath lurked the familiar fear: I would never be smart enough to figure it all out. I started to weep the pain of years. The threat was palpable: if I couldn’t figure it out, pain would surely follow.
As I walked, the tears slowly announced an inner shift; a softer, more resonant voice emerged with a different message:
“Isn’t it amazing how the universe has awakened as these two towering intellects, and as you too?”
Surprisingly, a warm reassuring feeling began to fill my chest; a gratitude began to dawn for these human beings and their insightful minds! Perhaps we were all one human reality; they were me and I was them? No need for envy, competition or fear. No need to figure it out. It is all one; there is no lack in the whole, no separation. Slowly, over years, this grace continues to reveal its wisdom.
At present I am reading the latest book by another ‘towering intellect,’ cosmologist Brian Swimme. I recall sitting in his presence once too, but with much less angst and far more wonder and gratitude. He recalls his mentor, Fr. Thomas Berry, saying to him:
“Each era of the universe is unique, never to be repeated. It’s as if at dawn a deep and resonant voice calls forth to every entity in existence, ‘Become your unique self. The universe advances only if you blossom forth as you. […] When we live a life that expresses our unique being, we align ourselves with the universe.’”¹
May it be so!
Sandra Stewart is a member of the Sisters of Our Lady of the Missions in Winnipeg. Originally from Windsor, ON she has spent most of her religious life in Manitoba but has also served in France, Senegal and Papua New Guinea. She holds a Masters degree in Pastoral Studies from Loyola University in Chicago, majoring in spiritual accompaniment from the Institute for Spiritual Leadership.
Presently she serves as a spiritual director, a facilitator of Centering Prayer workshops, and an advocate for social and environmental justice.
Sandra currently serves on her community’s province leadership team in Canada.
Oh to have been in that fish bowl with you so long ago and as I say that I remind myself of just who I was way back then, and how small my world and understanding really was; how superficial my explorations of the bigger questions. It was humbling and gratifying to read your words and remember that I too am still a work in progress and part of a much larger plan. Even more important is that now at this age and stage I actually believe it.
After reading your beautiful piece, I recalled participating in a retreat day many years ago where we were invited to explore what our “image of God” was, because this affected how we related to the “God of our understanding.” Now I feel invited to explore what “image” I have of myself too, and if this image is an accurate reflection of my “unique self” — the “self” I’m called to be in this world. Thank you to you, Brian Swimme and Thomas Keating!
Thank you Sandy for your reflection. The line that grabbed me, as I read your words again today, was “The universe advances only if you blossom forth as you.” How wonderful an insight! How hard to really believe! And somehow, how comforting to simply “rest within”. Onward!!